September 27, 2011

Touch gloves!

When most guys want to see a dick, they have to unbuckle their pants, shimmy out of their underwear, put chin to chest and… behold. For Chris Christie, it’s much easier. He just looks in the mirror. Alas, that’s probably the only knob the N.J. governor has seen in the last decade or three, not counting those he’s encountered on his computer monitor during what the mainstream press will soon describe as “marathon rounds of self abuse and ham-swallowing.” (You know, when that all comes out.)

It’s hard to tell at this point who’s pushing hardest for a Christie campaign: The GOP Money Men who have apparently been hounding him for weeks, all but planting Bruce Springsteen’s severed head in the governor’s bed; The GOP Righty Brain Trust, the same group that signed off on Sarah Palin after munching her cheeks during some kind of super-queer Conservative columnists’ cruise back in 2007; Or, of course, The GOP Debatathon Circuit, which needs new flesh (withholding pun.. gahh…) to fuel its almost impossible-to-keep pace of public humiliations.

While it’s TDF’s policy to lay these tough questions off to future generations of pundits — something in the vein of George W. Bush’s Who Knows Or Cares We’ll All Be Dead By Then Anyway Corollary — we though it might be a bit of fun to make one small exception. Tonight, we are going On The Record with our predictions. May the Lord help you all if even one of these things listed below actually happens.

1) Chris Christie will not run for president. Too fat. Knows it. How’s that for calculating calculus?

2) Rick Perry will have a “good” next debate and solidify himself as The Guy Who’s Not Romney.

3) Perry will poleaxe Romney (it doesn’t matter where the rest of the idiots finish, none are winning NY or California or Florida or Pennsylvania, etc., and the GOP primary is winner-take-all, so there’s no opportunity for Bachmann or Cain to nip votes off the Texas governor) in Iowa.

4) Romney will finally win something, though not by the margin he’s alleged to need, in New Hampshire. The Responsible Right (David Brooks and The Bow-Tied C*nt from the baseball documentaries) will golf-clap and start scribbling pieces about Barry Goldwater for after…

5) …the South Carolina primary. Whoa, doggies! Rick Perry marches on Charleston, again hammering Romney and setting off a full-on panic in the Republican ranks. Romney floats something about looking at Marco Rubio as a running mate and…

6) Never loses another GOP vote of any consequence. He does eventually take on the Cuban as his potential Veep and together, so very awkwardly that you instinctively close an eye and defensively grab at your testicles/vagina, they embrace on stage waving and pointing through the confetti mist.

7) Romney vs. Obama. This, friends, is happening!

8) Or it won’t. Who the hell knows?



  1. thedarkfields posted this